The Biggest Surprise

I died yesterday. A bus hit me.

I didn't see it. I was rushing to catch up my mother in law's birthday dinner. My family was waiting for me. My wife and two children. The driver did nothing wrong. She was not driving fast, neither drove through a crosswalk. I must have jumped in-front of the bus out of nowhere. I don't remember.

The irony was that the dinner was not even ready. Nobody was waiting for me. Nobody rang on my phone. It was me that was rushing.

The bus hit me on my right side. It broke most of my ribs, my legs and tore my head hard. I was bleeding in pain and agony. So many thoughts, so many moments. So many missed opportunities.

When something like this happens you think about everything that life prepares you for. And this is not part of it. Schools don't teach us how to die. Neither churches and mosques. Nobody talks about death and those that do talk have no idea. It always comes as a surprise, the biggest one of them all. And it sucks.

As I was trying to figure out if somebody is going to help me, one figure approached very close to me. Picked me up and started talking to me.

"Can you hear me?", the person asked. I couldn't answer. My words were forming but I couldn't express them. The figure was a man, 50 or something, grey hair, strong grasp. He caught me strong and pulled me onto the pavement.

"Take it easy, an ambulance is coming", he said.

People started to gather around. I slowly raised my head to see the point of the impact. There was blood stain on the asphalt. And the front of the bus was damaged. Is my head that strong?

"How many fingers do you see?", the guy asked me.

"Four", I tried to answer.

"You see, you are doing much better", he said. "Can you try to stand up now?"

I couldn't standup. I tried to move my legs but nothing.

"I cannot. Can you please call my wife", I said as the air became colder.

"I will, what is her number?", he asked.

"Reach to my pocket for my phone. I don't remember".

He took my phone. Used my finger to unlock it and called my wife.

"Hi. This is Smoke...", he introduced himself and explained to her what happened.

He was quite calm. He told her to come at the ER and tried to comfort her. Who was this guy?

"All good. Stay laying there.. things are gonna get better for you now.", he said.

"How do you know that?", I asked.

"Things always get better, don't they?", he laughed and looked towards the street.

"Well not for me I guess...", I said.

The pain was growing. My breath was becoming harder.

"Things become harder right before they get easier.", he laughed.

I looked at him for a bit. He was very happy with what he was doing.

"Why do you do this?", I asked.

"Because humans help to each other."

"Looks like you are the only one wanting to help me", I said.

"I am the one that really cares, true.".

"But why do you care?".

He grasped over my body stronger and sat on the pavement right next to me.

"Here, lay here over me, it's softer..", he said.

I was there. Laying on the pavement with a stranger that wanted to help me. I started thinking that he is an imposter. That he is taking an advantage of the situation and then will do something to my family.

"Sir, when did my wife say will come here?", I asked.

"Don't worry about it, she will arrive soon".

"But sir, who are you?", I asked.

"I am here to help you, don't worry.. take it easy..", he said calm.

"Well in case something happens, can you tell me who you are just in case?", I asked.

"Sure, my name is Smoke. I live at the same address as you, if all this goes well, you will find me there", he said.

"Same address as me?", I asked surprised.

I have never seen this person. And if I know something really good, that is my neighbourhood. This guy is definitely an imposter.

"What is the building and floor you are living at?", I asked him.

He stood there quiet, still taking care of me.

"Look, you make this difficult for everyone, try to relax?", he said.

"Relax?", I managed to push his hand off of my chest.

"Please tell me who are you?".

Smoke put his hand on his knee.

"Well I am everyone you know and everything you do. All your experiences and all your knowledge. I am your mind.", he said.

"I am here to make things easier for you".

"This is nonsense.. to make what things easier?", I asked confused.

"You are dying. I am a person that your mind created in an attempt to survive. We know how to interact with human beings the best. As you are dying, I am running out of ideas on how to help you, so I thought talking to someone will make it easier...".

"I am dying?", I said scared.

"Well, isn't it obvious?", Smoke said.

I raised my head again and saw an ambulance coming. The group of curious people was already broken by the medics and police. A body was lying in-front of the bus, not moving.

"Oh my god, I am dying!"

My breath became fast. My thoughts became fogged, my vision turned blurry.

"Help me, I am choking.", I told Smoke.

"So what?"

"I will die....", I said.

"Not more than you will die anyway".

At that moment all of my fear dissolved into peace. All of my panic and anxiety turned into a feeling of calmness. The death destroyed all of my fears. The words of Smoke made it clear. This is happening. There is no need to be afraid. The fear will not make it stop. It's inevitable.

"So why did my brain create you?", I asked.

"People say that when you are dying, you see your whole life in front of your eyes. Well that's not quite true. You see the things you choose to see. To re-experience. Your mind goes through all of its knowledge and experience it has gained through your life, to find a way to survive. The last drop of hope for it to help you. In your case, it worked a wonder. It created me. So I am here now to bring you there, to your safe place.", Smoke explained.

"And what is my safe place?"

“Your safe place is an experience you want to go through one more time before the curtains shut. Your mind is an amazing organ. It's unique that it can act upon the perception on time. If you choose to have the past 20 years as your safe place, your mind will make it look as if it's another life-time. Then you will re-live those years. If you choose the last time you ate ice-cream as your safe place, it's gonna be stretched to a life-time experience. It's like a first-class treatment from your mind. It is a unique way to say goodbye”.

I stood silent. I was not sure where I even was.

"Did you even call my wife?", I asked.

"No. That was all in your head. A death-dream".

"She doesn't know I will die?"

"No. She doesn't. That's the best for all I guess", he said. "So.. what's gonna be?", he asked.

"What's gonna be what?"

"What's your safe place?"

Things were calm. My breath was calm. I could feel its rhythm in sync with my heartbeat. They were both slow, getting slower. I didn't try to avoid it. Any thought that scared me or made me sad, angry or happy. All I was thinking of was my family. My two beautiful children and my lioness wife. I wanted to see them again.

"My life was really nice. It was complete with people and things. It was incomplete with time", I started. "All the way through it, I was always looking for more time. I was rushing to get there. I was chasing situations to happen so that I can start living. I never started living now. I was waiting for it to happen. And that caused a lot of anxiety and stress. Made me feel scared and sad. Right now things make so much sense. The fears are no more, the expectations are gone. I could find that peace only at one other place in my life: my grandma's home in summer.

If I ever want to experience something again is that calmness, together with my family. I choose my safe place to be that house in the beginning of June. My grandparents will be there and my uncle too. They will see us parking our car outside and they will come at the front door to greet us. Then I will hug them. I will feel the smell and warmth of theirs. Then I will introduce them to my family.

"This is my wife I really love. These are my children, mischiefing little piglets" I will say. Then we'll go inside and the smell of yogurt and cucumber mixed with freshly chopped garlic will fill in our nostrils. Kids will ask what smells so nice. I will give them to try the food. Then once we finish the main dish, we'll have our dessert. A nice smelling watermelon. We'll eat it and tell a lots of jokes.

The feeling would be complete, nothing more would be needed other than that small house with a small room, that can suit 10 people or so. Then we'll announce rest-time and go upstairs to take some noon nap. The cushions will be cold and soft. The summer covers will be silky. The smell will be a mixture of a smell of old books and old furniture. After an hour we will wake up and go at the yard. My grandma will be laughing seeing us. My grandpa will ask me to bring him water from the yard-fountain.

Then we will sit under the house's shadow until the sun falls down. The kids will be playing in the yard, we will be talking, drinking coffee and eating my grandma's sweets. And this will be everything that we will be doing for one whole summer.

Then when the summer ends, we will go. We will say our goodbyes and the hopes that we will meet again somewhere and sometime. But if we don't then we can make ourselves, each-other, live into our thoughts. The one that will survive the last will carry the burden of the memory.

Right before the summer ends, I will go and kiss my kids, hug them and say few words as an advice. Then I will go and lay down my wife's lap and fall asleep there as she will put her hands in my hair. It'd be the safest place for me to come to the end of the summer. And that will be my safe-place."

"Ok. You got that right. That is your safe place. That is where you will wake up tomorrow. It was a pleasure to be your mind by the way. You were always onto something, and I really enjoyed your reactiveness your whole life. What you managed to live through is something many others would not for over 100 years. Be calm, be happy. Now close your eyes. Let your breath easy. That's it.", said Smoke.

The noises disappeared. The voices were silent. A heavy curtain fell. The darkness overtook.

The next morning started just like any other day.

"Are you ready?", I asked my kids.

"Ready for what?", my son asked.

"To meet your grand-grand parents"

"We do it today? We are going there today?", my daughter asked.

"Yes! We go to visit them today. And you know what? We will stay there for the whole summer."

"Oh, daddy that is so amazing!", they both exclaimed.

We took the car to theirs house. As we approached the small street thoughts started to get really heavy. I haven't been there for some time.

We came close to my grandma's house. Then right in front of theirs front-door. I honked. Then I parked the car. My grandma, grandpa and uncle came at the main door. They were cheerful and smiling, overly excited. We got out of the car. I hugged them very strong. All three of them.

"I missed you so much", I said as tears rolled down my face. “How's are you?”

"This is my wife I really love. These are my children, mischiefing little piglets.", I said.

All of them hugged there for a moment. Then we went inside.

"This summer is going to be amazing", I thought.